The Big "C"

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October 9, 2007 - Tuesday

The Big "C"

I told myself over and over again " Don't worry about anything until I know there's something to worry about". As we all know from personal experience it's easier to dish out this advice than take it. The fact is, yes, you're going to worry about it because... well because you're human. It never matters what "it" is, but "it" is always there in the back of your head. The trick is not to let "it" run your life, or ruin it. "It" is just there.

Let me recap my past week. On Wednesday I went in for a biopsy on a "suspicious mass" found in my right breast. I was fine going into the procedure. Sure, the word "cancer" had crept into my head, but I paid no attention to it. By the end of the day Thursday I was so tired of having breast cancer shoved in my face that I was just getting numb to the idea that I may have it. It's October. Orange is no longer the color of the month, pink is. It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month - you know, in case you weren't aware. It's EVERYWHERE - every commercial break on TV, every billboard on the side of the road, on the food products at the grocery store, on the radio, on the back of everyone's car - EVERYWHERE! Quite frankly, it was pissing me off. I was trying to stay positive while waiting for my biopsy results! During all of this, I somehow pinched a nerve in my neck. I could hardly move my right shoulder or neck - I was in a lot of pain, and a little stressed out, so needless to say, I wasn't sleeping well (despite the vicodins and muscle relaxers I was downing). My mom came and took the kids Friday so I could lay down and get some sleep. It was about when my head hit the pillow that thedrug-induced "what ifs" crawled inside of my head. Do you remember that old Shel Silverstien poem about the What Ifs having the party in your head at night while you're trying to fall asleep? Well, those little shits were having a kegger in there. I started planning how I would tell my husband and my family that I had cancer - IF I had cancer. I sat and tried to figure out if I should leave the kids video messages for their birthdays since I won't be here for them, or if I should write letters. I
decided on letters, by the way - I was always better at that. I had planned to read aloud all my favorite books of every level and record it on CD for the kids so they wouldn't forget my voice. I thought if they could drift off to sleep hearing my voice then they wouldn't forget me. I was going to write down every memory I had of my time with them so they would remember too. I thought about how Lily wouldn't remember me at all and would have to hear stories from Coen. I thought about how hard it would be for Jason going at it alone. Sure he would have my blessing remarrying, but knowing Jason the way I do , he wouldn't do it until later in life. I prayed. I prayed a lot. Then I started thinking that maybe I prayed for this.

I was constantly praying to grow closer to God and asked Him to help lead me in the path that would strengthen my faith. I thought cancer was the way he was answering my prayer, and I'll be quite honest, I told him that was really messed up. Then I told God that whatever He had planned for me was His will and I would accept it, but to please let me raise my children first. If I was going to get cancer than please, no matter what, help me survive it. I wasn't done raising my children. I want my children to know God and grow into good christians. I feared that if I were to die, Jason would turn his back on a God that would take a young mother and wife and my children would never know God. I feared for not only them, but Jason as well. If I had cancer, fine, but don't let me die of it. I can do good things for You better here on earth than from above. It may only be four souls, but they were my four souls to care for.

By Monday I was scared to death still, but had found some sort of peace as well. What was going to happen was going to happen and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Yes, I would fight it, but I wasn't even positive I had cancer. This afternoon my doctor called and said I had someone looking out for me. I don't have breast cancer - yet. I have a pre-cancerous calcification. This means it's the kind of calcification that has certain cells that can develop into cancer over time. That time could be a year from now, ten years from now, or maybe they'll just stay in remission. However you put it, I don't have cancer - yet.

To say that the world was lifted off of my shoulders is putting it mildly. God had answered my prayers. I can see a miracle when it happens. The only reason I ever even went to see a breast specialist was because my right armpit kept swelling up on me. It was very large and painful. I was about five months pregnant with Lil at the time. I thought it was a weird pregnancy thing at the time, but when I mentioned it to my OB I was sent to a specialist that same day. Turns out swelling of the armpit - or the lymph nodes in your armpit- can be a symptom of breast cancer. I was instructed to keep an eye on it and come back after I was recovered from having the baby for a mammogram. Swelly armpits and a family history of breast cancer weren't sitting well with the boob doctor. As it turns out my lymph nodes were hanging on to a weird infection for some reason. It could have been caused by a hang-nail on my finger that got some bacteria in it and travelled to my armpit. Something so weird that led me to this woman.
I'll have to take a pill everyday for two years (kind of like a low-dose chemo) to kill these pre-cancerous cells before they give me trouble, and be subject to more mammograms than I would care for, but I'm ok with that. So, I don't have cancer - yet - and thanks to this miracle I'll be around to raise my children.

I know it's everywhere because of breast cancer awareness month, but do take it seriously. If you have a family history make sure you do monthly self exams, and get a yearly professional exam. If you're at least 40 you should be getting routine mammograms. They're not that bad. Yes they squish your boobs, but no more than your children do! It doesn't hurt and can save your life. If you have a family history of breast cancer you should start your mammograms ten years sooner than whatever age the person who had the cancer was when she found out. And dont think because you're young you won't get cancer. Statistics prove that the younger you are when you get breast cancer, the more likely you are to die from it. The cancer tends to be more aggressive in younger women and less likely to respond to treatment. I don't want to scare anyone, but we need to take care of ourselves. Know your body. If there's something suspicious, get a prefessional opinion - don't sit on it. If I hadn't been pregnant I wouldn't have seen a doctor about my armpit. I would have just put up with it because that's what I do. I don't go to the doctor unless I think I'm on my death bed. I don't need to spend the money...
I feel so blessed today. I just wanted to share this with all of you. Take care of yourselves, girls!