ADD of the House

The flurry of the holidays is gone, but unfortunately the mess isn't. I woke up yesterday and went downstairs. Dude, my living room carpet needed vacuumed something fierce. I wouldn't even lay Lily down on it, it was so bad! Several hours later, my furniture is all in my dining room and I've got the kids dusting everything. I even called my mom after a while because I couldn't decide where to put anything, and I could use some big people help after a morning of little people help. I vacuumed a little bit at a time, but by 4pm I had it all vacuumed! I started at 10am! Do you ever do stuff like this?
I never set out to rearrange my house, but I did. This morning I got up and said to myself, "I have to clean up the kitchen and clear off the dining room table after the mess I made yesterday." I'm now at work and my kitchen and table are even messier than they were this morning. The wood floors in my dining room are filthy and needed cleaned really well - not just swept. So, of course, I begin to clean out the drawers in the buffet ( it's a very logical leap in my strange mind...). It's all cleared out now. I decided to just go through it and get rid of all the crap that got shoved in there. I'm good for stuffing all the papers on the table in the drawers to clear it off. The problem is that I never go back to retrieve most of them and they're lost forever. I do have to say that Lily isn't feeling well AGAIN and she was very fussy and hard to deal with while I was trying to get something accomplished. My husband says I've got "ADD of the house." I think he may be right. I've got so many little piles of "cleaning messes" all over my house - on every floor! I have told him for years that it always looks worse before it gets better - which is true - but a little more so in my case. When it gets worse, it tends to stay worse for a week or two before it gets better. Most people do things one at a time, but my brain doesn't function that way.

I'll be folding laundry and decide to go through the kids' closets and start a big project there, then as I walk by the fish tank I'll notice that it really needs cleaned, so I'll clean it. While I'm cleaning up from that I'll notice a spoon that one of the kids may have left down in the basement so I'll pick it up- then clean the whole family room, which the computer is in so I'll check my e-mail while I'm down there. Then I'll take the spoon up to throw in the sink - but the sink is a mess so I'll load up the dishwasher, then It's time to make lunch, but I can't possibly make lunch in such a messy kitchen, I must clean it! Which, of course, means that I should go through the fridge and clean it out. Then the tupperware cabinet - oh that reminds me that I wanted to move the big tupperware containers that I have on the shelf in the garage inside - I better go get them. Wow, the garage is a mess.................... and so on and so forth.

I think you get the idea. And not one of these projects actually gets completed. Welcome to the world of my messy house! People think it's because I have three kids and a fulltime job - no it's because I have ADD of the house! I feel as though my entire house hasn't been cleaned and fully put together since we moved in almost two years ago and it's driving me nuts! I didn't have ADD this bad at our old house! You know why? Everything had a place! Will it ever be put together enough that I can sit still? Sure someday - when my kids are 10 years older. I just hope it happens earlier than that! I have faith in me, although my husband puts up with it pretty well... NO. It will get done - someday.

My only saving grace is that I've gotten hooked on that BBC America show How Clean Is Your House? - where Aggie and Kim go to filthy - and I mean absolutely FILTHY houses and clean them to help the people who live in them get it under control. Those people lives in such nastiness - it always makes me feel better about my house. Sure it's a mess, but it's a clean mess!

If only there were enough pennies...

We went to see Jason's mom Saturday afternoon at the nursing home. She was awake and looked very perky. I immediately thought it was going to be a good visit, and was happy. The first words out of her mouth were, "I hate it here. Everyone hates me." OK, so much for my first thought...

I was a good visit though. The kids were cute - even though they acted as if they were on crack- and she watched them play. I think it took her mind off of things for a while. Our visits are a little different for me lately though. I knew she was getting bad, and often wondered how long she would suffer. A few weeks ago Pam's doctor said aloud what we all knew in our heads, but didn't dare say aloud. Basically, she's going to get a lot worse and this is the beginning of the end.

Worse? She can't walk, has no control of her bodily functions, gets fed three times a day through a tube sticking out of her stomach, can't speak clearly, can't remember most things, can hardly see, and God knows what else I'm forgetting. The poor woman is a mess. How can it get worse? At this point we're just grateful that she's not in a lot of pain, but does worse mean she will be? How much worse can "worse" get?

This is not the way it's supposed to be. Mother-in-laws are supposed to come over to your house and make comments about what ugly curtains you've hung in the living room, and spoil your children, and remind you that you're not good enough for their little boy. Right? I have no idea, really. Actually I think Pam and I would have gotten along really well had she not slipped so far. When Jason and I were dating we got along great. Sure, there was the off comment or jab here and there, but I was taking her baby boy away from her. I wish things were different for Pam. For Jason. For our kids. For me. We've all been denied so much by MS. Yeah, MS. That's what's wrong with Pam. Sure, it's brought on other things now, but that's what started it all. It seems like such a common thing. I know other people that have MS and live pretty normal lives. They also take of themselves, Pam never did. I get so angry at her for not taking care of herself. There's no good reason that she's as bad as she is. She could have taken better care of herself while she was able and things would have been a lot different for everyone.

"I'm not calling for a second chance - I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason, but don't give me choice. I'll only make the same mistake again."
- James Blunt "Same Mistake"

I love those lyrics. They're very powerful. Everyone tried so hard to get Pam to take care of herself, but she didn't care. The guy she was with didn't care either. If he hadn't been in the picture I think she would have thought things through a little better. If she would have believed for one minute that at 57 this is where she could end up, she would have changed everything.

I feel so bad for Jason in all of this. She wasn't the mom I think she could have been because of the same man. He loves his mom and she loves him, but there are a lot of regrets there on both ends. I wish their relationship could have been different. Jason gets so mad because my mom is always meddling into our business and trying to tell us how to do everything. She's being a mom. His mom never did that even when he was growing up because she was too busy partying. His grandmother interferes a little, but she's different. I think Jason would understand that my mom means well if only it were coming from his mom too. It really does put a strain on our relationship because he doesn't understand it at all.

I just wish we could take a picture and go back in time and make her change it all. I wish my mother-in-law called and bugged me and irritated me to no end. I wish I could take her shopping and get angry when she bought the kids expensive stuff that they don't need. I wish she would drop by my house unexpected and then tell me how messy it is. I wish she could take the kids to the zoo, and read them stories. I wish she would whisk Jason off to lunch on a Saturday afternoon so she could have him all to herself for a while. I wish she could do so many things.

I just wish she were better, but she's not. She's never going to be better. She's going to get worse. She's going to get worse and she's going to die, slowly.

If only there were enough pennies in the world to wish her well... oh how I would.

Boiling Water

It's just been one of those weeks. I can't put my finger on it, but perhaps it's a combination of things. Payday doesn't come until Tuesday so we're short going into the weekend- we're short anyway coming off of Christmas. We've been passing all kinds of bugs around our house since Thanksgiving so everyone has been sick. I just haven't been feeling well all week. Jason feels like crap - and I just feel stressed out. It's a weird stressed though - it's that "The holidays are over and school is back in and things are finally slowing down enough that I have time to think about all the crap that's been piling up for the last month to think about" stress. Yeah, that's been my week. It hasn't been terrible, but not great either.

Today I was so tense that I was just grumpy. I hate being grumpy. My kids were playing and being good (thank God) so I was cautious with my grumps. I think my kids kept me from crossing from grumpy to just plain nasty - I'm so thankful for them. In my effort to tame the grumpies today I learned something very important: I can paint ten little fingers and ten little toes pink and read a short book while they dry in the length of time it takes water to boil.

This sounds stupid, but in actuality it saved my day. I was so stressed that I was trying to hurry up and get lunch cooked before anyone told me they were hungry again. My daughter has been begging me for days to paint her nails and I just kept coming up with a reason to do it later. Normally I try to clean up the kitchen while I cook, but today she came into the kitchen with her bottle of polish - eyes teary because I had just told her "I'll paint them later, I'm busy making lunch right now" - and she asked "Please make my nails pretty, Moggy." I had just set the pan of water on the stove and turned to deny her once again, and then paused for some reason. I don't know why my mind stopped racing at that moment, but it did. I thought, what better thing do I have to do right now? Me cleaning my kitchen isn't going to make that water boil any faster, and my hands are tied until it does boil, so why not stop and make this little girl happy. She blew on every nail as soon as the pretty pink polish was applied, and it made her day. When I had finished making her nails pretty she went in to show her brother and I peeked at the water. The tiny bubbles were just starting to form on the side of the pot. I still had time to spare. At that point Coen and Ravenna both came back into the kitchen with a book and asked me to read it to them. Well, I still have a few minutes before the water boils, sure.

The three of us sat on the kitchen floor and read together. As we finished, the bubbles were really going in the pan. I told them lunch would be ready in about 10 minutes and they were pleased with that. What other things could I do with my kids in the time it takes to boil water...?

The whole situation made me think. How long has it been since I stopped to smell the roses (paint toenails, color a picture, mold some play doh...)? I'm so consumed by all the things that I have to do that I sometimes try to keep my children occupied so I can get them done - especially with the holidays - that I fogret to just stop and enjoy them sometimes. Getting her nails painted was the highlight of my little daughter's day, perhaps her week -she was pretty excited! You know, it was mine too!

Coen

Co-Man. He's my beautiful little boy, although if I say that to him, he corrects me with, "Mom, boys aren't beautiful - they're handsome!" He's that too. Coen is my first born so he holds a special spot in my heart - don't get me wrong - I don't love him more than my other children, but he was my first... you parents with more than one child understand. He's the one that changed everything - the way I look at things and the way I do things, how I respond to things and how I interpret them. He's funny - and at the same time sort of lacks a sense of humor. He wavers from extremely serious to just plain silly. He's very smart too. He just amazes me. From the time he was a year old we've had to explain things to him in such real terms or he didn't understand. He just has to know everything about everything! He's very grown up about a lot of things and it's hard to wrap your head around it sometimes.

Coen is the most nurturing boy I've ever seen. He couldn't wait until Ravenna was born so he could take care of the baby. Unfortunately, that lasted about a year until Ven was oing to have nothing to do with it. He still tries so hard to take care of her, but she's just not having it. I think now that she's older she's let up on him, but Lily here now so he's let up on her too. It's a win-win for them both. I think he's going to be very tight with both girls as they grow up. Ven will be his trouble making buddy and Lily will be his baby forever.

He's so full of life - and energy. I don't think that child knows how to walk. He's always running, and jumping, and spinning, and kicking, and dancing! It's tiring just watching him, but it makes me laugh. Oh my gosh, and the talking!!! He can't physically stop!!! (You think I'm kidding, but he gets it from his father!)

He does slow down for snuggles with Mommy. Daddy has always been jealous of our snuggling time, but I don't care. I'll take all the snuggles I can get - who knows how long it will last! We were so blessed with Coen - with all three of our children. Each one is so different than the other. Just when we think we've got something figured out for the next child it turns out to be a completely different situation!

I love my children. I talk about them all the time & just thought I would give you all a little more insight into them. Now when I mention one of them, you'll have a little more to go on.

My Lil Bug

Lil Bug is 6 months now. What's exciting is that she's finally outgrown her 0-3 month clothes! What's even more exciting is that she started waving this weekend. It's that little backwards wave that babies do - it's absolutely adorable. She's a pretty laid back baby, yet gets really excited about things. Her eyes get big and she starts swatting at stuff (especially paper!) and rocking back and forth with her little toes pointed. It's great. She's got a great laugh too - all my kids do.

The thing that's different with her - more than with the other two - is the worrying. I worry about all of my kids (see earlier entry to prove what a freak I am), but her's is a little different. Things were going along smoothly for a few months, and then a few wrenches were thrown in. We went in for her 4 month check up and the doctor looks at me and asks, "Have I ever mentioned a hip click before? Because I don't see it here in my notes."

The next day we're off to Children's Hospital the for an ultrasound to check for hip dysplaysia. As soon as he mentioned the "click" I expected it. My sister developed it around 6 months. It's completely correctable, but the baby has to wear this horrible brace for months - still - it's correctable. That's all I care about.

As we sat there in the waiting room of the radiology department, I saw all these parents with their kids. A lot of the kids came in and made themselves at home, they knew all the nurses already. Some you could tell were really sick. I felt so bad for them and their parents. These were happy kids - and really their parents were happy too. This was their life, and their parents were making the most of it. I kept thinking how hard it would be to find out there was something horribly wrong with one of my kids, or even fatal. I wondered if I would be strong enough mentally to handle it. Then again, it's amazing what a parent has in them that they never knew was there until their kids need it.

Here I was with my little baby all snuggled up in her little carrier. I just smiled at her little face peeking out at me. Yeah, my baby might have a temporary problem, but it is temporary. I can handle that.

Back to the ultrasound room we go. The tech took a look and said, "Well, she doesn't have hip dysplaysia." Whew. But she kept doing the ultrasound, for a very long time. She had this strange look on her face too.

You know how you sit there wondering what's going on, but don't say anything because you expect someone to fill you in at any moment? Well, this woman wasn't filling me in. I finally asked if everything was ok.

"I don't know. Let me go get the radiologist."

She leaves the room while I'm wondering what is going on with my child. OH -God. One of the kids stepped on her and broke something - she's got the brittle bone disease - there's a tumor - WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY CHILD?

The tech comes back with two other women and they start doing their own ultrasound.

"Yeah, I see it too - right there."
"Me too."
"Could you call Sue and ask her to come down here?"

Who's Sue? Why is she coming down here? Oh no! Her hip IS broken. Sue is from child services! She's coming to take my broken little baby away from me before the cops come and arrest me! Oh, God, oh God!

Enter Sue. "That's exactly what I see too."

I finally ask - what's going on???

I'm relieved that they're not going to take my baby and arrest me, but not to hear what else they had to say. It turns out that Lily has a bone abnormality in both of her hips. The femur comes up and makes a ball at the top that fits into the hip bone to form the joint, but Lily's femurs are sort of flat on the top. It's more of a semi-circle, I would say. It's very rare and that's why there were so many people in the room to look at it. No one believed they were seeing it - in one hip maybe, but both? Unheard of - especially in a baby. We went down a shot an x-ray to be sure the ultrasound machine wasn't playing tricks on us. Unfortunately it wasn't.

So, what does all of this mean, and what do we do? Well, we don't know. We just wait and see. As a parent I'm ok with this, but at the same time uneasy. We'll go back after her 1st birthday and take another x-ray to see if it's changed. By then she'll be moving around and we'll have a better idea as to how - or if- it's effecting her. Best case scenario is it will never cause her any trouble. Worst case scenario is that it will grind and cause her a lot of pain, early arthritis, a limp and early hip replacements (as soon as she's full size). That's a pretty large curve - especially for a parent who just wants to fix their child - now.

It's hurry up and wait for us, and who knows how long. Honestly, it sucks. At the same time, I suppose we should be grateful. If there's something wrong with our child, at least it's nothing life threatening. I keep thinking of those children and their parents in the waiting room. I know it's horrible to say, but thank God that's not us. This, I can handle.

We'll just take one day at a time, and pray that it all works out for the best - for Lily. In the meantime, she's the waving queen, the giggling girl and the wiggle worm that is our Lil Bug.