If only there were enough pennies...

We went to see Jason's mom Saturday afternoon at the nursing home. She was awake and looked very perky. I immediately thought it was going to be a good visit, and was happy. The first words out of her mouth were, "I hate it here. Everyone hates me." OK, so much for my first thought...

I was a good visit though. The kids were cute - even though they acted as if they were on crack- and she watched them play. I think it took her mind off of things for a while. Our visits are a little different for me lately though. I knew she was getting bad, and often wondered how long she would suffer. A few weeks ago Pam's doctor said aloud what we all knew in our heads, but didn't dare say aloud. Basically, she's going to get a lot worse and this is the beginning of the end.

Worse? She can't walk, has no control of her bodily functions, gets fed three times a day through a tube sticking out of her stomach, can't speak clearly, can't remember most things, can hardly see, and God knows what else I'm forgetting. The poor woman is a mess. How can it get worse? At this point we're just grateful that she's not in a lot of pain, but does worse mean she will be? How much worse can "worse" get?

This is not the way it's supposed to be. Mother-in-laws are supposed to come over to your house and make comments about what ugly curtains you've hung in the living room, and spoil your children, and remind you that you're not good enough for their little boy. Right? I have no idea, really. Actually I think Pam and I would have gotten along really well had she not slipped so far. When Jason and I were dating we got along great. Sure, there was the off comment or jab here and there, but I was taking her baby boy away from her. I wish things were different for Pam. For Jason. For our kids. For me. We've all been denied so much by MS. Yeah, MS. That's what's wrong with Pam. Sure, it's brought on other things now, but that's what started it all. It seems like such a common thing. I know other people that have MS and live pretty normal lives. They also take of themselves, Pam never did. I get so angry at her for not taking care of herself. There's no good reason that she's as bad as she is. She could have taken better care of herself while she was able and things would have been a lot different for everyone.

"I'm not calling for a second chance - I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason, but don't give me choice. I'll only make the same mistake again."
- James Blunt "Same Mistake"

I love those lyrics. They're very powerful. Everyone tried so hard to get Pam to take care of herself, but she didn't care. The guy she was with didn't care either. If he hadn't been in the picture I think she would have thought things through a little better. If she would have believed for one minute that at 57 this is where she could end up, she would have changed everything.

I feel so bad for Jason in all of this. She wasn't the mom I think she could have been because of the same man. He loves his mom and she loves him, but there are a lot of regrets there on both ends. I wish their relationship could have been different. Jason gets so mad because my mom is always meddling into our business and trying to tell us how to do everything. She's being a mom. His mom never did that even when he was growing up because she was too busy partying. His grandmother interferes a little, but she's different. I think Jason would understand that my mom means well if only it were coming from his mom too. It really does put a strain on our relationship because he doesn't understand it at all.

I just wish we could take a picture and go back in time and make her change it all. I wish my mother-in-law called and bugged me and irritated me to no end. I wish I could take her shopping and get angry when she bought the kids expensive stuff that they don't need. I wish she would drop by my house unexpected and then tell me how messy it is. I wish she could take the kids to the zoo, and read them stories. I wish she would whisk Jason off to lunch on a Saturday afternoon so she could have him all to herself for a while. I wish she could do so many things.

I just wish she were better, but she's not. She's never going to be better. She's going to get worse. She's going to get worse and she's going to die, slowly.

If only there were enough pennies in the world to wish her well... oh how I would.