"Ohmmmm"

OK - so I've neglected the Bloggity Blog here for a couple of months. I know, I know. I already feel bad enough because I know reading my mindless ramblings is exactly what you all look forward to with your morning cup of joe. So, my apologies.



Here's the thing, I wanted something really spectacular to write about but could think of nothing. Soon all of my waiting for something spectacular to happen turned into the winter blues and I just didn't have it in me. Do you ever feel like that? Oh sure, there were a several times during the course of the day I would think, "Oh, I should blog about that!" The trouble is, by the time I have a chance to blog, I forget exactly what it was I was going to share. Oh, well. C'est la vie... at least my vie.



Then one morning I woke up and something spectacular happened to me. I looked over and my husband was in bed next to me. My son literally drags himself into the bedroom and crawls in on the other side of me. They do this to me all the time. Coen calls it a Mommy Sandwich. As I tried to move over to make room I noticed my feet were stuck - my 3 year old was sleeping at the bottom of my bed. Down the hall I hear, "Mommy, awake!" as my 20-month old gives the morning S.O.S. to be rescued from her crib. At first I'm pleading with them all quietly inside my head to just go back to sleep, but I know it's only wishful thinking.



My husband drags himself out of bed to get the baby, my son starts telling me something-or-other about Star Wars and - simultaneously- my 3-year-old begins to tell me about what she and "Shelly, her new blue mom" did last night. Yes, my imaginative daughter has an alternate family. Shelly used to be pink, but she is now blue, and is always referred to as such when spoken about. Her blue father is Jeremiah, but we don't hear about him as much. At first we tried to ignore this "other" family, but then I just got down right jealous of Shelly! I have since made my peace with Shelly, and just go with it. I just tell Ravenna how lucky she is that she has two moms that love her so much! But, I digress... Jason returns with the baby in his arms and the two of them join us on the bed. Our little one, Lily, immediately begins to attack everyone as she laughs hysterically at the chaos she is causing.

Welcome to Saturday morning at our house. Ah, but not just any Saturday - it's my birthday on this particular Saturday. A day that I haven't really wanted to celebrate in 15 years. Sure, I've tried to do something to mark the day, but it has been forced on my part. This year was different. This year I was really looking forward to my birthday.

At some point in a person's life they are able to stop and take a good long look. For some this happens due to some traumatic event, for some it's the end of their life, for others... well, who knows. The point is this; I'm already staring myself down and I'm only 32.

I don't want to rehash the past 15 years. If you know me then you know what they have been like for me, if not, here's a quick rundown. Dad died 15 years ago - spent 17th birthday at funeral; 8 years to the day that Dad was buried Grandma dies on the day after my birthday. May 9, 2008 Mother-in-law dies very quickly after lengthly illness & May 31, 2008 Father-in-law dies unexpectedly after year long illness we thought was going to get better. Sure there have been lots of shiny spots in the mix, but the muck always seems to be there trying to spoil my good time.

Fast forward to June 2008. I had been taking pilates at the Y for a year or so, but wanted to try something else. Then I see an intro-to-meditation class being offered. Immediately I feel this excitement whelm up inside of me. An hour to sit with just me and turn my mind off is just what I need. I mean, I'm starting to get down right giddy at just the thought of quiet mommy time. I'm actually getting a tickle in my belly now thinking about it and this almost a year ago!

So I get to the first class and discover that it isn't just quiet time. It was weird and wonderful and scary all at the same time. The instructor is talking about our energy and sharing it and becoming one with all around us... I felt like I was going to open my eyes and find beads hanging from the door frame and a bong in the middle of the shag carpet. I liked it though. I liked that when I was quiet and still with myself it scared the crap out of me because there was ignored muck lurking around inside. I don't like being scared in general, but the fact that I realized that this muck was inside of me and was affecting the person I want to be really did excite me. It meant that it was mine, which in turn meant that I could control it.

Don't get me wrong, I never thought I was a bad person. I just wasn't the person I wanted to be or the parent I wanted my children to have because I knew I could do better. I'm a pretty open minded person and will give something an honest go before making a final decision on it. I saw this class as a chance to change myself for the better. Almost a year later I can say that I have. So, where was I going with this story... ah yes.

It's the morning of my 32nd birthday. I couldn't ask to be anywhere else in the world but smashed in that bed next to my husband getting pounced on by our three beautiful little balls of energy. "This is spectacular," I thought.

A few hours later I'm home alone waiting for the first of my guests to arrive. Yes. I'm celebrating my birthday today. Not to try to mask the negative connotations I get with it each year, but to truly celebrate my past 32 years of living. I asked for no presents - only presence. Today my girlfriends were coming over to experience what all this crazy meditation I speak of is all about. They all thought it sounded strange, but yet wanted to try it out themselves because they can see how much it truely means to me.

I look around and there are friends from all aspects of my life gathered in my living room. We laughed, cried, hugged and shared our innermost thoughts that afternoon. Many had never met before this day, but are now bound spiritually for the rest of our lives. As I sat there in my home and looked around at all of my friends I thought, "This is spectacular! My life, my family, my friends, my faith and my dreams are indeed spectacular!"